Day 20
My lover left for Vilnus (Lithuania) on a business trip. I made his coffee at 4 in the morning, barefoot, in a negligee and undone from the night. I found myself nervous and not so trusting of myself (I am all alone in my flat!..what trouble I can get into?..there are liquor kiosks at the end of our street that open all night!..I could work from home today and...). NO, I must stay strong in my resolve and not give in the wrong thinking! I have already done all this work banishing alcohol from my body! I just have to plan an insane amount of good, nurturing things to do with Myself, instead of drinking. So, here it goes...
... I sip coffee and sketch my lover as he is getting dressed,
... I play a demure European bombshell, play music and run a hot bath when he leaves,
... I wear nude-colored dress with white stockings, raincoat, gloves and red lipstick to work,
... I take metro instead of driving and watch men turn heads as I pass,
... I paint my nails on a lunch break... there now! feel very put together!
... I go home, take off all my clothes and throw a big blanket on the floor (the desire to open a bottle of wine is the strongest right now!); I slip "Georgia O'Keiffe" movie into DVD, make a tea and stretch,
... I make lots of lovely food and eat it,
... I wash my face and give myself a facial (I got this crazy American gadget with rolling needles that supposedly help regenerate skin cells,...ouch!),
... more tea - chamomile - and Valerian to help me sleep (I am staying away from all medications, except the nootropics Olga gave me, which are a wonderful way to wake up),
... I turn off the phone and go to bed early
So, I made it through another day without alcohol! I don't have much cravings, only perhaps in my mind, where false pictures of elegance and sophistication connected with a "glass of wine" could still spring up - if I let them. But I don't, gently guiding my thoughts onto another path. As brain regenerates, it builds new neuro-pathways, and racticing new thinking patterns will eventually develop into new habits. It is still very hard! I notice that my first thought connected with pleasure is "let's drink!" - to celebrate, to feel even better! At times I don't feel sure that I can resist; and it's "moment to moment", breath by breath, let's see what happens kind of thing then. So far I have resisted. It's incredibly powerful feeling!...
Despite my fears, I do not feel deprived without drinking. I actually do a lot more things now, having all this energy, little things that make me beautiful and make me smile. Now I am more focused and relaxed at work, I am a more attentive lover, I take better care of my skin, I started eating again and feel sexy in my body.
I am in love with not drinking!..
Thursday, May 23, 2013
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
Day 18
I think I am finally getting out of the catatonic fog where my mind lay frozen in the past two weeks. I am not as irritable all the time, and walls are officially not closing in on me. Technically, I have just gone through the detox process (which lasts 10 days or so in rehab, where they pump you full of sedatives and begin planting the seed of 12-step based recovery in group sessions), only mine was in comfort/agony of my own home, doing the best I could with what I have... The truth is, I have been to rehab before. Hitting the rough spot in life several years ago, I medicated heavily with alcohol and sedatives, learning firsthand the mind-blowing effects of mixing the two. My uncle, a retired police mayor, pulled some strings for me and I spent 40 days in a modern Russian rehab, staffed with gorgeous nurses, with horseback riding and exotic petting zoo - in picturesque setting near Ural mountains.
This time I haven't the luxury of an exile. Instead, I scribbled down the list of supplements my addiction-educated friend Olga prescribed, wore a tightest black dress and red lipstick and took trolley downtown to Alcoholics Anonymous.
It was the AA that kept me focused those first several days. Instead of "a drink after work", I dragged myself to the basement of a posh Soviet-era government building, where I sat in the last row, tears in my eyes from the overwhelming melancholy, listening to a casual group of people who knew how to live life without alcohol. Battling scepticism behind my dark glasses, I bargained and consoled myself; I had a great vision of my new life in mind and I needed to wait out the time... not drinking... Shy by nature, and a non-smoker among chain-smoking Moscovites, I didn't feel particularly welcome, and I left as soon as meetings were over. I went home and went to bed, each night an exhausting journey of night sweats, chills and laying awake at 3 in the morning.
Finally, the cocktail of amino-acids, horse dozes of Vitamin C, B-12 shots, liters of mineral water and mostly raw diet made me feel better physically. Just enough to take the edge of cravings for alcohol off...
I think I am finally getting out of the catatonic fog where my mind lay frozen in the past two weeks. I am not as irritable all the time, and walls are officially not closing in on me. Technically, I have just gone through the detox process (which lasts 10 days or so in rehab, where they pump you full of sedatives and begin planting the seed of 12-step based recovery in group sessions), only mine was in comfort/agony of my own home, doing the best I could with what I have... The truth is, I have been to rehab before. Hitting the rough spot in life several years ago, I medicated heavily with alcohol and sedatives, learning firsthand the mind-blowing effects of mixing the two. My uncle, a retired police mayor, pulled some strings for me and I spent 40 days in a modern Russian rehab, staffed with gorgeous nurses, with horseback riding and exotic petting zoo - in picturesque setting near Ural mountains.
This time I haven't the luxury of an exile. Instead, I scribbled down the list of supplements my addiction-educated friend Olga prescribed, wore a tightest black dress and red lipstick and took trolley downtown to Alcoholics Anonymous.
It was the AA that kept me focused those first several days. Instead of "a drink after work", I dragged myself to the basement of a posh Soviet-era government building, where I sat in the last row, tears in my eyes from the overwhelming melancholy, listening to a casual group of people who knew how to live life without alcohol. Battling scepticism behind my dark glasses, I bargained and consoled myself; I had a great vision of my new life in mind and I needed to wait out the time... not drinking... Shy by nature, and a non-smoker among chain-smoking Moscovites, I didn't feel particularly welcome, and I left as soon as meetings were over. I went home and went to bed, each night an exhausting journey of night sweats, chills and laying awake at 3 in the morning.
Finally, the cocktail of amino-acids, horse dozes of Vitamin C, B-12 shots, liters of mineral water and mostly raw diet made me feel better physically. Just enough to take the edge of cravings for alcohol off...
Monday, May 20, 2013
Day 17
Waking up in the morning and actually liking myself... isn't it something?!
So, I've stopped drinking on May 3rd (2013), having decided that turning 36 was bad enough; being a 36 year old woman who drinks is pathetic and frightening.
My reasons are many:
1. A six-foot tall Russian girl, tipsy and stumbling at the social gala is not a pretty picture.
2. It is a hard work to damage-proof my relationships and my career while focusing on drinking heavily.
3. I hate the way I look like a "woman that drinks", a telltale I can easily recognize in others.
4. I don't want to be that emotionally unbalanced Mother with a perpetual glass of wine in her hand and purple teeth.
5. My brain's functionality have been diminishing due to heavy alcohol use, although I'd like to deny that.
6. Fear that my luck will eventually run out and I will get a DUI, lose my job or become a walking tragic parody of my former Self.
7. I want to stay beautiful, which is the main reason and the inspiration for this blog. However superficial it seems on the surface, it is a simple and practical way to sum up the deep aspects of alcoholic effects on a woman's body, and my enthusiastic attempts to reverse the physical damage I'd done to my body.
Having consulted a friend who's graduated from Moscow University in Psychology of Alcohol and Chemical Dependency over a few late-night teas in my flat, I am relieved to say that the damage can be undone indeed. Yet it requires a complete commitment to abstinence and a lot of hard psychological and pharmaceutical work every day. For the next 30 days. For the rest of my life.
The good news is that I get to regain my lovely personality, my looks, my gorgeous body and enter the stage of happiness and bliss. I'll be able to deal with everyday issues without having to "have a drink", I will live a life without constant fear and regret and will be able to remember everything I did the night before.
I say - Where do I sign?
Waking up in the morning and actually liking myself... isn't it something?!
So, I've stopped drinking on May 3rd (2013), having decided that turning 36 was bad enough; being a 36 year old woman who drinks is pathetic and frightening.
My reasons are many:
1. A six-foot tall Russian girl, tipsy and stumbling at the social gala is not a pretty picture.
2. It is a hard work to damage-proof my relationships and my career while focusing on drinking heavily.
3. I hate the way I look like a "woman that drinks", a telltale I can easily recognize in others.
4. I don't want to be that emotionally unbalanced Mother with a perpetual glass of wine in her hand and purple teeth.
5. My brain's functionality have been diminishing due to heavy alcohol use, although I'd like to deny that.
6. Fear that my luck will eventually run out and I will get a DUI, lose my job or become a walking tragic parody of my former Self.
7. I want to stay beautiful, which is the main reason and the inspiration for this blog. However superficial it seems on the surface, it is a simple and practical way to sum up the deep aspects of alcoholic effects on a woman's body, and my enthusiastic attempts to reverse the physical damage I'd done to my body.
Having consulted a friend who's graduated from Moscow University in Psychology of Alcohol and Chemical Dependency over a few late-night teas in my flat, I am relieved to say that the damage can be undone indeed. Yet it requires a complete commitment to abstinence and a lot of hard psychological and pharmaceutical work every day. For the next 30 days. For the rest of my life.
The good news is that I get to regain my lovely personality, my looks, my gorgeous body and enter the stage of happiness and bliss. I'll be able to deal with everyday issues without having to "have a drink", I will live a life without constant fear and regret and will be able to remember everything I did the night before.
I say - Where do I sign?
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