Day 20

   My lover left for Vilnus (Lithuania) on a business trip.  I made his coffee at 4 in the morning, barefoot, in a negligee and undone from the night.  I found myself nervous and not so trusting of myself (I am all alone in my flat!..what trouble I can get into?..there are liquor kiosks at the end of our street that open all night!..I could work from home today and...). NO, I must stay strong in my resolve and not give in the wrong thinking!  I have already done all this work banishing alcohol from my body!  I just have to plan an insane amount of good, nurturing things to do with Myself, instead of drinking.  So, here it goes...

... I sip coffee and sketch my lover as he is getting dressed,
... I play a demure European bombshell, play music and run a hot bath when he leaves,
... I wear nude-colored dress with white stockings, raincoat, gloves and red lipstick to work,
... I take metro instead of driving and watch men turn heads as I pass,
... I paint my nails on a lunch break... there now! feel very put together!
... I go home, take off all my clothes and throw a big blanket on the floor (the desire to open a bottle of wine is the strongest right now!);  I slip "Georgia O'Keiffe" movie into DVD, make a tea and stretch,
... I make lots of lovely food and eat it,
... I wash my face and give myself a facial (I got this crazy American gadget with rolling needles that supposedly help regenerate skin cells,...ouch!),
... more tea - chamomile - and Valerian to help me sleep (I am staying away from all medications, except the nootropics Olga gave me, which are a wonderful way to wake up),
... I turn off the phone and go to bed early

   So, I made it through another day without alcohol!  I don't have much cravings, only perhaps in my mind, where false pictures of elegance and sophistication connected with a "glass of wine" could still spring up - if I let them.  But I don't, gently guiding my thoughts onto another path.  As brain regenerates, it builds new neuro-pathways, and racticing new thinking patterns will eventually develop into new habits.  It is still very hard! I notice that my first thought connected with pleasure is "let's drink!" - to celebrate, to feel even better!  At times I don't feel sure that I can resist; and it's "moment to moment", breath by breath, let's see what happens kind of thing then.  So far I have resisted.  It's incredibly powerful feeling!...
   Despite my fears, I do not feel deprived without drinking.  I actually do a lot more things now, having all this energy, little things that make me beautiful and make me smile. Now I am more focused and relaxed at work, I am a more attentive lover, I take better care of my skin, I started eating again and feel sexy in my body. 

   I am in love with not drinking!..